Peanut Butter

Peanut butter's got to be THE MOST eaten substance known to man. Everyone loves it, no matter how old, sane or hungry you are. Plus it goes with anything! Chocolate, kaya, jam, butter, honey, ham, you name it! You don't even need to have something to slap it on most of the time, just a spoon and a hell lot of water if you want to keep your voice. Then there's peanut butter chunky, I always wondered which came first, chunky or creamy. It's just like the chicken and the egg question, if there's no conventional, creamy, peanut butter then there won't be chunky peanut butter right? But there's the possibility that chunky peanut butter was invented first since the first peanut butter was probably created when people didn't give a shit enough to eat ground up ground nuts. They probably didn't care whether the peanuts were ground up nicely which explains the chunks in the chunky peanut butter. However, chunky kicks so much more ass than regular peanut butter which brings us to question why they would make creamy peanut butter if they had chunky first. That I'll explain with my usual erratic conclusions, because they can.

Another amazing aspect of peanut butter is how efficient it is in attracting ants. I leave it unattended, tightly capped, for at most 15 minutes and the next thing I know, it's covered with ants trying to find a way through my perfect seal of a cap. Knowing me, I do not let critters with more than 4 legs go easily, so I did what most people would do when they find something covered with ants, I burn them. Wait, no no, that's something else, I washed the ants off. It's amazing really, I hardly ever see ants in my room. Rephrase, I NEVER see ants in my room. That in itself is pretty amazing considering the amount of uncleared food I leave lying around my table and window ledge in different stages of decay. No ants or flies or bugs for that matter, amazing. Yet the moment the peanut butter gets there, CAPPED, the ants materialise. I use materialise since I didn't see where they came from and where they crawl off to, hell I never saw them again, it's like they never existed. Imagine that, phantom ants summoned to being by a bottle of peanut butter. This is where we can probably add Skippy to the list of satanic brands together with Harry Potter and Pantene.